Realizations
by folgersgirl
Summary: Anyone who has been a cop can tell you that I messed this up bad...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer- I own nothing.**

**A/N- …**

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Anyone who has been a former cop can tell you that I messed this up bad.

No, _don't_ tell me it wasn't my fault, because I can tell that you're lying. I know you too well, so don't even think about it.

I was so confident of myself. I thought I could handle this, I thought I was finally getting myself under control.

I was wrong.

It's _my_ fault the HT got away, it's _my_ fault that there's over twenty civilians hospitalized and the rest of the fifty are dead, and it's _my_ fault that my partner is being whisked away to the I.C.U as we speak._ I_ should have been primary, it should be _me_ in that ambulance, but it's not. Isn't fate a funny thing?

Today started out normal enough. I woke up first, which is a first because usually it's Matt that wakes me up and has to drag me out of bed. And yes, I spent the night at his place. Everybody knows by now, so what's the point in trying to hide anything?

I made breakfast, and he drove us to work. I actually think he likes the new mustang just as much as the old one, there's not that much of a difference. We arrive at work, where you surprise us with a seemingly truckload of paperwork. Back then, it seemed like torture.

After today, I now know the true definition of torture. In my opinion, it's almost unbearable.

How do those actors in all of those action flicks make it seem like child's play?

Where was I? Oh, yeah, paperwork.

I had just finished when you call the both of us into your office. "Flannery, Lehman!" It seemed normal enough, but I wasn't aware of the mess that would unfold. Had I known that this would be the result…

You tell us that there's an emergency at First Bank, and I feel as though I'm in the movies. It happens every time we handle a negotiation at a bank; I feel as though I'm the sheriff going to shoot down those bad guys, like John Wayne or something. Heh, I can hear the dramatic music playing now.

We arrive to find HRT already in place and Frank tells us what has happened so far. Three punks think they can rip off a bank and escape just before the heat arrives. Unfortunately for them, fate has other plans. Here we go again with fate; why is it always concerned with matters such as these?

But once again, I'm getting off track.

They shoot the deputy in charge at the time, but before they make a break for it, back up has already arrived, so they retreat inside and take at the very least fifty people inside as hostages. I guess that the day after payday is a great day to rob a bank, the banks are loaded with money _and_ innocents. Isn't that convenient?

Shots and screams echo thorough out the neighborhood. The next four are shot down and quickly carried away by the paramedics. By then, I could tell that it was getting bad.

Looking back, I now realize that those murders were just the icing on the cake.

I should have been primary, I _never_ should have handed Matt that phone, but he was _so _damn insistent about it. He said that he didn't want me to 'take the call of this lunatic'. I didn't have the strength to argue; I just gave him the phone and let Lia patch him through.

A few hours later, he was still talking. A few hours later, I was still listening. And the more I eavesdropped, the more this strange feeling grew right in the pit of my stomach. At the time, I thought it was just hunger; I hadn't had anything to eat since seven that morning. But now I realize what it actually was.

Dread.

Somehow, an argument breaks out between the HTs, because the guy we're talking to starts to yell and scream at someone on the other line. Matt does his best to break up the quarrel, but to no avail. They start to shoot again.

Pandemonium erupts. Frank is yelling commands at his team and calls for back up, because three of his HRT guys are taken down. Everyone starts running and screaming once again. Paramedics already have their hands full; there were just too many civilians in the way.

Matt runs outside, but pushes me back just as I am about to follow him. I still remember what he told me.

"_You stay. I can't afford to lose you."_

I wasn't sure whether he meant his partner or… just me. But I do remember the look in his eyes; they were almost pleading.

And I know you may find this hard to believe, but for the first time I obeyed him.

I watched leave, with out a goodbye. I didn't even ask what he was going to do.

I just stared.

Lia's voice jerks me back to reality and asks what was going on. That was when common sense struck me like lightening, and, ignoring Lia, I ran outside.

Apparently the main HT didn't want to talk over the phone, because Matt was using a mega phone to try to reason with him. I could just barely hear him over the ruckus.

"_How many more lives have to be taken? We can settle this, you and me, we can fix this…"_

I don't remember what the HT said after that, but I _do_ remember him pointing that gun at me. The screams were suddenly hushed, everything froze in place, and time seemed to stand still as I saw him load the gun and pull the trigger…

But the shot never came.

I look up, and find that I'm lying on the ground for some reason. There are a few cuts and I scraped my elbow, but the pain was washed away when I laid my eyes on the bloody figure just a few feet away.

I rushed over and turned the body over. And all the breath vanished from my lungs.

Matt. Bloody with two bullets. One in his arm, the other in his chest, just below the collar bone.

Someone screamed, I think it was me, but I didn't realize it at the time. He wasn't breathing right, it came in quick gasps. Blood was etching across his shirt, so I ripped off my jacket and applied pressure to the main injury.

My vision became blurry, and a few drops of water fell on Matt, blending into the blood. He had to hold on, help was coming, and I told him reassuring things, to keep both him and myself calm. But it wasn't working.

Then the strangest thing happened. He smiled at me. It sounds awkward, but he grabbed my hand and held it firmly to his chest and smiled at me. Then he whispered something.

"_Better me than you."_

I was bawling at this point. Despite the situation, Matt always finds a way to let me know how much he needs me.

I now realize how much I need him.

The medics finally came by this point, and they carefully put him on a stretcher and hauled him off to the nearest emergency room. I stood there for a while, refusing to let a paramedic treat my wounds.

It's strange how you look on your life after a life changing event. You see things that are more precious to you than you dare to dream, and find life unbearable without them. For a split second, I imagined life without Matt, and I never want to imagine it ever again.

I'm not afraid to say it; I really love him. Now I need to go tell him that myself.

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**If you love someone, don't go one single day without letting them know it.**

**ACM**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer- I own nothing.**

**Sorry I haven't been on in a while. I was away last weekend, and I was grounded for the past week because I doodled on my hand. Yeah, my dad's old fashioned…**

**But then I logged on and nearly screamed when I saw eleven reviews for just one chapter. Thanks to all of those who reviewed, and here's another chapter, inspired by you!**

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Getting shot twice in the same day is no picnic, and the movie director who made it seem like sun shine and butterflies should be shot himself.

I guess I should explain myself. The very first thing I remember today was waking up to the sterile smell of what could only be a hospital. And for the record, waking up after the whole ordeal is just as bad as being shot in the first place.

In the movies, the protagonist usually wakes up nice and slowly, surrounded by concerned loved ones, and crying and realizations usually take place. You know, the stuff that makes realistic people like me gag until we hack up last night's dinner. But when I woke up, it was just a _little_ different for me: I _didn't_ want to open my eyes; hospitals always seem to make the lights brighter than necessary, my arm was throbbing painfully, something itchy was wrapped around my torso, and I had the headache from _HELL. _

Needless to say I was not a happy camper.

I wanted _so_ badly to turn on my side and fall asleep again, but due to the bulging cast on my arm, that was impossible. So, I stared at the cool, grey of my eyelids and tried to think of the last thing I saw before I wound up in this accursed place.

I remember…screaming. Yes, screaming, that of a woman. But I couldn't remember who…

And gun shots. Lots and lots of gun shots. Cheryl wasn't too happy about that; neither was Frank for that matter.

I can't help but think that I'm forgetting something…

Let's see: screaming; check. Gunshots; check. Cheryl and Frank unhappy; double check.

God I hate it when I forget crap…So does Emily, she isn't too wild about it either…

Oh crap…

Emily.

_Emily._

_Now_ it's coming back. First Bank, two HT's, many hostages, a lot of shooting. It was getting bad. The HT's were arguing on whether or not to shoot this woman because she had made a break for it, and one of them started to fire. It felt like a John Wayne movie actually. Two guys hold up a bank, and the sheriff has to settle it.

Unfortunately, I had to play the role of the sheriff, and that included being shot at.

It was getting worse by the minute; the onlookers and media went crazy, which was just another score for HRT to settle, Cheryl was busy with phone calls, so it was really up to me to settle things.

Great, now I feel like the gullible superman that everyone depends on to save the day. Like John Wayne himself.

Except John Wayne doesn't get shot. Well, not without walking away without a scratch, anyway.

I tried my best to calm them down, I really did. But by then, they were shooting random civilians on the street. One of which was Emily.

Why doesn't she _ever_ listen?! She was running towards me, towards the danger.

But what made my mind freeze was the voice on the phone. I vaguely remember it.

"_Shoot the girl cop. The red head in the tight jeans."_

Everything was oblivious to me, everything besides Em.

They were gonna kill her.

They wanted to pop a bullet in her brain.

Like hell I was going to allow it.

So I flat out sprinted to her; she wasn't that far away, only about ten feet. She looked furious that I was out here in the middle of all this, but that didn't matter. I tackled her to the ground, but not before a shot was heard.

Pain exploded in my arm, and I felt a warm liquid oozing into my shirt, and I was on my knees for some reason.

I couldn't think. I just kneeled there, letting my shirt soak up blood.

I heard a crack in the distance, and I was lying on the ground all of a sudden. There was a dull thud in my chest, and the material there warm, and dark red, though I had put on a green shirt this morning. In fact, it was my favorite Led Zeppelin shirt.

But I looked at Emily, and was relieved to find that she had no red on her. Just a plain white shirt, a jacket, and those dark jeans that looks _really_ good on her, sexy almost.

Hey, cut me some slack. I'm a guy after all…

She was out of it for a moment, but then she woke up. I couldn't find the breath to say anything, so she didn't notice me at first. But that dilemma was solved as she turned and saw my lying just a few feet from her.

She was saying something, but I couldn't hear her over the screaming and chaos. Something wet fell from her face, and I saw that she was crying. At the time, I didn't know why she was doing so; in fact, I thought she would be happy, because she wasn't hurt.

I watched as she took off her jacket and applied pressure to the warm spot on my shirt. That's when it first hit me. I'd been shot.

It's sounded unrealistic to me then, but it was the brutal truth. I could die at any given moment.

But it was better me than her. Had she been shot, I would have never forgiven myself for allowing such a thing to happen, never. I had to tell her that, somehow. So I grabbed her hand and placed it next to the wound. I smiled.

"_Better me than you."_

Up until then, I never realized how special Emily was to me. She was a damn good partner and an amazing person at heart.

Oh, cut it out, it wasn't _that_ lovey dovey.

The next thing I know, I'm lying here. Stiff as stone, feeling the painful aftermaths of two bullets.

Something just moved next to me. Despite the way I feel, I don't like it when there is something alive in the same room as me and I don't know who, or what it is.

The bright light bites at my eyes and I immediately close them again. I tentatively open them, and blink for a few moments. Once used to the lighting conditions I look at what's lying next to me.

I see red hair fanned out over the bed spread. Emily, at least I think it's her, is lying with her head in her arms, asleep.

Her left hand was just a few inches from my right one, so I gently placed mine on top of hers. She was alarmingly cold…

The movement woke her up. She wipes the sleep from her eyes and look at me, sleepily. Suddenly, she is fully awake and starts babbling.

"Oh, thank God, you're awake. You were out cold after the surgery; I can't believe it took nearly six hours to remove two bullets…"

I love how Emily never shuts up when she's upset.

"…And Cheryl and Lia and most of Frank's ream have been by. They left about two hours ago, but I didn't want to leave until you woke up, and… are you _laughing?_"

I couldn't help myself.

"You are _so_ funny when you worry over others, you know that?" I chuckled.

Her cheeks turned a light red. "Well, of _course _I was worried, you were shot in the arm and chest and they didn't know if you would live or not and I was freaking out-"

Jeez, she can ramble on for hours. "Em, for once, shut up."

She fell silent, looking slightly offended. I quickly placed my hand on the side of her face and slowly stroked it.

"I'm fine, Emily. I'll live through this," I said softly.

"I know you will. But so many others won't. You didn't see the faces of the people we had to confront because a friend or a sibling died and the faces of those little kids because mommy or daddy would never come home..." her voice trailed off and a few of the stubborn tears she was trying to hold back fell. I gently brushed them away.

"You did your job, that's all. You didn't force the HT's into shooting everyone in sight. Hell, you weren't even primary."

"But_ I_ should have been. I mean, look at you; you look like a war casualty or something," She argued, sniffing.

"That would have made it even easier to aim at you, because those bastards were trying to kill you, not me. And I wasn't about to let that happen," I said simply, as though talking on a lighter subject.

She was crying by now, full out crying. I tried to soothe her.

"Hey, shhh. C'mon Em, it's gonna be fine. Don't let the deaths of others get to you. There's nothing you can do about it," I withdrew my hand, but she pulled it back and held it firmly to her cheek with her own hand.

"It's not that. Yes, I still can't believe so many were hurt or taken. But I'm just really happy you're alive and safe and I love you," She said in a rushed tone.

Whoa, just a gosh-darned second there cowboy!

Let's back that up _just _a little.

"What?" I blurted out, finally finding my voice.

"I'm happy you're safe?" she asked.

"No the other thing," I said.

"I'm happy you're alive?" she guessed again.

"_No. _Very. Last. Thing," I emphasized.

She blushed deeper and averted her eyes. "Oh, umm. That… that…I was just…I was babbling…nothing… really important… kinda stupid actually…"

"Didn't sound stupid at all. In fact…" I used my good elbow to prop myself against the headboard and pulled her closer, and before she could protest, kissed her gently.

It wasn't much, but it felt like heaven.

"I have to agree with the same terms," I whispered against her lips.

She laughed nervously and smiled. I ran my good hand through her hair, and we kissed again, this time going a little farther as she deepened it.

"Excuse me, but no visitors are allowed after ten p.m." a crisp voice cracked through the air.

I reluctantly broke off the kiss of my life and looked to see a stern nurse glaring at Emily. I sighed as she got off the bed.

"I'm sorry ma'am. I didn't realize it was that late," she said in a cheery voice that I knew was made up. She swung her bag over her shoulders and kissed me again, softer, but enough to annoy the nurse.

"I'll be here tomorrow, first thing in the morning," she promised.

"M'kay. Love you," I said.

"Love you more," she replied, and with one last kiss, she departed, the nurse glaring after her. Once Emily was gone, she checked my conditions and looked me over, but I didn't take note of anything she was doing. My mind was too preoccupied with a certain crisis negotiator.

I couldn't wait 'til morning.

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**Reviews make my day! Flames make my bedroom warm; it's supposed to be freezing tonight.**

**ACM**


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